I feel like I’m standing in my own grave, each new person in my life holds a hand out to help me whilst holding a ladder behind their back. I’m wide awake but there’s nothing alive in me; I know that eventually I’ll sleep, and I’ll wake up in the morning and face the part of the day I dread the most - the part where I have to look okay. The part where I’ll make myself sick with anxiety over what to wear, sometimes I’ll just sit on the edge of my bed and hold back tears because I can’t fix my hair, or my face; I can’t hide the ugliness I feel inside. Those are the worst days, the ones where I can’t fool the world into believing I am doing wonderfully, the days where I’d do anything to avoid going outside and pretending I want to be here. Sometimes I don’t know where I want to be, except anywhere that I actually am. Some days are so bad that I rush through them in such a state of mental obligation that I have no recollection of what even happened. I used to have good days, where the bad were few and far between, but I’m so alone now. I’m alone with all my demons, and they just keep multiplying. The people I thought I could turn to all turn their back on me one way or another, most of them just abuse my trust. Trust is all I have in this world, and I fall to pieces without it. My biggest, darkest, scariest fear is being lied to, and it’s always been the one thing I can’t recover from. Every time it happens I feel myself falling deeper and deeper into the core of my nightmares, until eventually I’ll be part of them and nobody will remember me for anything I had to offer this world. I don’t even know who I am anymore, I’m tired and scared, I’m angry and full of hate for all the terrible things in this world. I can’t remember what I enjoy and I don’t feel anything, anything but sadness. I’ve never felt this detached from my own life, from my own body. I’ve never needed people before, it’s not a requirement that I have ever found necessary, but I need people more than anything right now. I’m falling apart behind the jokes, behind the smiles and sarcasm and I’m so sorry if I have been mean to any of you in the process. I can’t admit this any other way, I just need a little patience whilst I’m trying to find a light amongst the dark. I’m not completely lost yet.
I close my eyes and I’m surrounded by mirrors, each one facing outwards. People are looking at me, constantly looking at me, yet only seeing themselves; all the flaws, the mishaps, the things they long to change. I’m becoming a reflection of the parts of you I despise the most.
All I can do is sit here, chain smoking and drinking cold tea, and thinking of all the people I’d miss, and all the people I miss already. I daydream of going home, and being surrounded by my family, but the strains and stresses of life keep me here, trapped and spiralling. My own company is dangerous, being in the company of others, a burden, and strength; non-existent. It’s the scariest place I’ve ever been, but worse whilst being judged. I think of calling my mum, but the distance makes it sore, and I think of all the disappointment in her voice at the sound of me letting this win. I can’t lean on others when they think I’m being weak, and I can’t trust people that tell my darkest thoughts to all corners of the world. So I sit here, typing into cyberspace, embodying my loneliness, dwelling on all the lies that have tainted my faith, and I feel so stupid.
I’m trying to procrastinate, but I’m staring at the confessional to my parents, and god I miss them so much, but I don’t want them to know what I know; escaping is inevitable.